I hate October

October is the beginning of a new season but for me it's many things.
I dislike October very much.

I was suppose to give birth to a baby that was due Oct. 7th but due to my choices, never made it. This year, this weighs heavily on my mind.

My Grandmother's Birthday was the 19th. I was sitting in service on Sunday, broke down in tears. I miss her like I never imagined.

I forgot to send flowers to my best friend on the day that I never forget to send her flowers and to top it off I called her at night, to remember this day with her. What kind of a friend am I. There is NO reason, No excuse to be so shallow. I felt terrible.

Yesterday I went to drop off a meal for a sister in The kingdom Hall whose husband has been in the hospital with several medical issues. She confided that he will be having his legs amputated at the knee today. She says that she doesn't have time to cry. She has to go on. That this has been coming for some time.
A brother on Tuesday night at the meeting mention that sometimes we may want to trade problems others... Would we do that for her?
My thoughts are consumed with her well being. She has 4 children. The little one is 9 months old. She now will be the only one who can work and she works at Starbucks.

October isn't even over.....

Remembering Our Babies

http://www.october15th.com/

Alone

I haven't blogged since Feb. Wow...
Well, my Gramma passed away May 31, 12:04 am. I felt her last heart beat. I didn't think I was capable of doing what I did when it came time for my Gramma to go. My Mom called on a Wed. and said they had put her on morphine. I screamed and said to take her off. I wasn't ready. I was on the last plane out that night. I never left her side. I couldn't. When I got there she was out of it, so I just went to bed. My Mom said her mornings are better. So I was hopeful. I wanted her so much to know that I had come, you see she said she was waiting for me. She woke up in the morning at 7:20. I said 'Hi Gram', she smiled, reached her arms out to me and I embraced her, not realizing that was the last time I would ever hug her.. At 10:00a.m. she took a nap, at 2:00pm she was in a coma.

I miss her terribly. I don't remember my last conversation with her. I find that I call her cell phone a lot to hear her voice, but it's not long enough.

My Grampa is doing ok... I told him he was strong, he cried. He had a stroke some years ago, she would finish his sentences for him, now he seems so lost. And before I would call, talk to her and she would tell him I said Hi, now it seems so strange.

Bad News

Yesterday, My family and I recieved some bad news about my Gramma. She has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. There are spots on her liver that could be infection but if the cancer has spread than there is nothing thay can do for her. If it hasn't spead than they will do surgery but it's very long and complicated. She has a 2mm spot on her Pancreas and it's attached to a main blood vessal. The Dr. said that if the cancer has spread to her liver than chemo will give her a couple extra months is all.
The family is devistated, this woman ties us all together. She is one of the reasons I started talking to my mom again. Why is it the nice ones always get sick?

Friends

My friends are my life. They know me better than my family. I can count on them more than any other person that I'm related to. They have never judged me. Never back stabbed me. They have have always told me the truth, they have taught me the truth. I think my friends have done more for me than I have done for them and they still are my friends. My friend "R" is more than a friend she is my confidant, angel, joy, smile, my escape, my belief system, she brings me back when I'm lost, she always knows when to call, she always knows when I need her. She is my sister. I hope to never disappoint her, like a daughter with her mother but if I did her judgment wouldn't be the same.
All of my friends are so different, none of them are friend with each other. Although that would be nice. I have one friend "C", she just found out she's pregnant, but yet another friend just had a miscarriage.
All of my friends live away from me. I hate it. They are all I've got.

"R" I can't do this with out you and he knows that so everything has to be fine. I wish so bad that I can be there with you. I try so hard to be there for you with everything else, and here I failed when you needed me for you. You are my forever friend and besides where am I gonna live if your not there? So you have to wake up.

I'm lost

I've started this because even though I know I can call a friend I wonder if anyone else can relate> I am married but I feel single. I have children that I adore but I want to runaway. Nevermind I'm not ready.